April 21, 2003

  • what is it, i completely distract myself
    how do i make myself care
    i used to be able to
    now i'm just an empty shell
    feel devoid of emotions/feelings
    i think the longer i'm away from teddy
    the thicker my layer of defenses get
    i can feel it
    i retreat into my shell
    i'm really a turtle
    and teddy the cow comes along to smash my shell :D
    again and again and again
    it's inevitable
    it's love
    it's mutual support
    best friends
    motivator, instigator, one who gets me out and about
    and i'm hard to get out and about
    i like being a hermit
    living in my hermetically sealed bubble
    with my animals
    panda sheep guling and a whole slew of others
    mmm hmm
    i wonder why
    remnant of childhood?
    i only played with kids at school
    at home it was cousins who occasionally came by.. ..
    anyway enough abot the past
    cos it is the past
    it's good to be savored
    bits of memory like shot of drug
    happiness, bitterness anger joy fun times
    an enticing cocktail of mixes
    with your brain as the dj
    your senses heightening the recollection
    if you let it
    if you let it
    as much as we think we're being controlled by other forces
    the economy, higher authority, higher being and whatnot
    our everyday decisions is still being governed by us primarily
    hells yea
    so remember you are your own captain
    this is your ship
    a captain always goes down with his/her ship
    i'm making sure it stays afloat as long as i can.

    ... ...

    i guess i'm ok
    didn't break down so hard
    it was almost nothing
    all that weight
    just dissipated with sleep
    i feel strange
    i think it's cos i'm trying to be more conciously articulate about
    everysecond of a day
    i think i'm falling behind fast
    time keeps moving on
    and i'm being dragged stuck on the back on some car
    and the skin on my back is all but worn off
    ouch
    yea
    that's how it feels
    ... nah
    not that dramatic
    more like having a ton of weight on your head
    and whatever you do it still lingers
    i'm listening to my fave album again.. digable planets blowout comb
    had a falling out with it last year, cos hecki listened to it too much
    but now that we're moving from fort greene
    and the sun shines yet again it seems appropriate