December 19, 2003

  • i hate the corporate structure
    i hate working in predefined roles and terms
    everything sucks right now
    i feel so lost and confused
    what the hell have i been working for?
    for it to get so easily shunted and tossed aside
    while other stupid ideas get bubbled up and like everything else
    i have to do it
    fine
    it's a job
    i get paid
    i go home w some extra cash at the end of the week
    but what a fuckin waste
    paid me to sit and do work that's just tossed
    i think anything i do for someone else will always end this way at some points

    and i really can't keep deluding myself that this is the ideal 'job' situation there is
    no love here
    more out of some morbid inner reasoning that i should be on par
    which is not too bad of a logic
    but i feel like i'm losing myself
    i thought i dug myself out of the rut i crawled in in college
    now it seems like i just realized what a deep hole i've dug myself into
    and i'm too comfortable to pick up and leave

    and no, i don't think school will do
    first, no cash
    second, if all it is is for getting another job forget it
    i need a different type of job
    something or other

    i really shouldn't care
    and i don't
    but part of it still majorly suck
    how bout that
    and i sure can't help it.

    eerggh
    why can't i make my life more meaningful thatn just working to survive in this shitty ass foreign land
    i've lost my sense of hometown
    moving around so much
    inittially being more comfortable w another culture
    stupid fuckin media
    doggone rotted my brain

    i don't know if i've even managed to hold on to my creativity
    what little there is left after shunning it for too long


    i still have a dream
    a silly little dream

    methinks it's best to just work on my pathetic little dream
    than trying hard in the working world
    i've never really fit in
    nor will i ever
    nor do i care