bitter and jaded people can be such assholes..
i wonder if age and kids are contributing factors
well obviously right
i get to bitch abt work
still bright and bleary eyed at the possibilities even though i've had my failures too
but i'm still free to selfishly trudge along
because we take care of ourselves and no one else yet.
.
anyway,
i got a call last might from my dad.
one of my uncles passed away, sudden heart attack.

i think i've only seen him 3 times in my lifetime. he married my dad's sister.
time's flown by so fast.
i remember coming home from college/hs visits
first she's married
then baby
and another
now he's deceased

bit fast.. ...
only 50

joy
long overdue
but i finally don't have to clock in and out anymore
sounds silly but trust me i had to go through a whole year and 4 mos of it
and no we don't get overtime.
.
ahh new management
i'm glad i wasn't wrong to hope for changes
.
ehh, actually they decided on this finally because the stupid system can't keep up with everyone. so they decided to lighten the load. bastards. why do they have to word it so...

ugh
of course i woke up today
as snot factory
yuck

took the day off
was feverish last night
feeling much better now
got another one ofthose calls which leaves me feeling bad because i could not help
... :
what can i do really..
i'm worried right and left
.
on another note i still can't decide if it's worth it to get an MFA

it's like any fairytale
where in order to get something
the protagonist has to complete a seemingly impossible task
(collect all 10000 pearls in the pond, eat all the bread in the kingdom, within given set time)
but s/he suceeds anyway, usually with help from people/animals s/he's helped along the way
the difference btw fairytale and real life
is that whereas the first gets what they desire prince/cess/riches,etc.
i just get more tasks
...
grumble grumble
i hate being a grunt.
oh and mine are hella boring to boot.
like let's clean up all the error messaging in the system
yes you go do that and nothing else
it's driving me absolutely m a d . . .
and all because i finished a bunch of tasks in rapid succession now they need something to weigh me down
jeebus
i just wanted the chance to do something else
sheesh...

and everyone agrees, i really should quit
i don't think i'm gaining anymore from this place
it's just making me even more horribly bitter and jaded.

i feel like an idiot and am angry at myself
for continuing to compete in this damned stupid ratrace
called a corporate job
i'm missing out on the best years of my life
more than ever do i feel the desire to create sculpt paint
but my rational side who constantly wins always remind me of how hard it is to not have a steady job
most needs can be met monetarily
a painting will not help anyone
i hate money.

on the verge of being sick
throat scratchy
dizzy
bleh
.
picked bathroom tiles
it's pretty much like b4 (whitish green glass for shower, green slate floor)
cept. all textured porcelain tiles which look like rough limestone.
(even tho i'm hesitant on using them for walls they look best..)
green floors, white walls (shower enclosure & wainscotting)
light blue walls..
we'll see
the tub was already installed yesterday
can't wait to take baths in my new tub
maybe i can finally have a rubber ducky
tho it should be a rubber panda
> did you know my nieces and sister once convinced me to swim with cama in the pool
i couldn't resist since i have to wash him anyway
oh he looked so miserable all wet and soggy

helpless
nothing i can do from here
this sucks
and boy when the shit hits the fan it really does
and splatters all over to boot
so helpless and useless :

this home improvement crap
is making me a bit too snappy
:
stress, pressure
stupid
i know

exhausting weekend

bought our tub sink medicine cabinet shower bar faucets lights towel bars tp holder
ordered my curved shower bar. for extra bathing space
(oh ho ho i just had to have it since i saw one in skymall mag.
you know that travel shopping catalog
i always flip through one at some point mid-flight)

chandelier for the living room
(the ceiling's only 9' i'm afraid it's going to hang too low.. )

all home depot/expo
tried the ordering biz, but not worth it
time's money and our contractors are ahead of sched.
next time we'll make sure everything's ready b4 construction starts

need to pick out tiles for the bathroom
glass tiles too expensive and too much of a hassle to deal w this apt.
i'm thinking of going w the all white limestone look 
w textured tiles all over.
can't decide if i want colors or not
the wall's (what's left) definitely light greyish blue..

met up w juliette sat nite
and gave her an earful of my warbling
3 hopkins classes 98 99 00
and 3 pairs of college sweethearts

saw fred and kimmy and the two little tykes sunday
caught the chinese new year parade
she got me martha stewart's color book
fun to flip through
saw ms going to court this morn. on tv
ah the domestic goddess of american homemaking
i wonder if the satires of her revamping a prison cell will come true
after all waksal's in jail and reduced to doing janitorial work