i think i'm definitely addicted
not saying that i like the pain
but life or maybe just the processes that makes me feel alive is so addictive
i said the past is like a shot of drug, but isn't that what all our emotions are?
when it comes to us feeling it
(i understand the need for stimuli)
but in the end
joy fun happiness, grief pain sadness
are just different concentrations of hormones/other agents your body produces
to induce this effect/feeling.
and as a result, because you suddenly get a higher dose of something,
you feel alive
because the feeling is so-called real
'i've never felt this way before'
sound familiar?
.
the euphoric property maybe?
of constantly altering different concentrations..
something sometimes is just a damn powerful cocktail that gives me a much needed wake up call..

US & Coalition	Iraq & Civilians
157	1878
2035
P E O P L E D E A D
9/11 : 2915

yep i'm hoping that's it
war sucks, not to mention hella depressing. so glad it's over.. sort of (let's hope the toll doesn't go up anymore).. sigh peace out..

TAKASHI MURAKAMI

Superflat Monogram
Marianne Boesky Gallery, New York
Apr 11 - May 10, 2003
Tuesday - Saturday, 10am - 6pm

http://www.jca-online.com/murakami.html

PANDA PANDA PANDA!

*went and enjoyed the exhibit. best part was the short animation about the little girl who gets her cellphone swallowed by the louis vuitton panda, which basically sums up the whole vision (gotta love computer processing power, but even that little bit was done by a whole team..).

also saw a slew of 4/5 assistants painting a large version of this one.. (like 8'x10')  they were painting the lv logo, letter /flower /diamond thing individually by hand!!!
so super neatly too, i thought it would be stenciled for ease, but no, all done by hand..

talk about killing two birds with one stone. with the anime approach and lv brand (both regulary acquired by millions of trendy consumers). no wonder the murakami print lv bags are selling out like crazy. anyway fun stuff to look at. tho the commercial design aspect of it, the logomania is a bit weird to digest at first. but maybe it's the attachment we have for those things. whether you're with that whole status symbol material goods thing or you completely don't understand it. but it's good, fun seeing anime/manga art becoming the legitimate what's hot now type of thing. the superflat movement.. mm hmm.. yea..

.. i have to add, there's a scene where the panda ^ pops open a louis vuitton trunk and bamboo trees spring out.. hee hee.. and then he ate some.. of course..

what is it, i completely distract myself
how do i make myself care
i used to be able to
now i'm just an empty shell
feel devoid of emotions/feelings
i think the longer i'm away from teddy
the thicker my layer of defenses get
i can feel it
i retreat into my shell
i'm really a turtle
and teddy the cow comes along to smash my shell
again and again and again
it's inevitable
it's love
it's mutual support
best friends
motivator, instigator, one who gets me out and about
and i'm hard to get out and about
i like being a hermit
living in my hermetically sealed bubble
with my animals
panda sheep guling and a whole slew of others
mmm hmm
i wonder why
remnant of childhood?
i only played with kids at school
at home it was cousins who occasionally came by.. ..
anyway enough abot the past
cos it is the past
it's good to be savored
bits of memory like shot of drug
happiness, bitterness anger joy fun times
an enticing cocktail of mixes
with your brain as the dj
your senses heightening the recollection
if you let it
if you let it
as much as we think we're being controlled by other forces
the economy, higher authority, higher being and whatnot
our everyday decisions is still being governed by us primarily
hells yea
so remember you are your own captain
this is your ship
a captain always goes down with his/her ship
i'm making sure it stays afloat as long as i can.

... ...

i guess i'm ok
didn't break down so hard
it was almost nothing
all that weight
just dissipated with sleep
i feel strange
i think it's cos i'm trying to be more conciously articulate about
everysecond of a day
i think i'm falling behind fast
time keeps moving on
and i'm being dragged stuck on the back on some car
and the skin on my back is all but worn off
ouch
yea
that's how it feels
... nah
not that dramatic
more like having a ton of weight on your head
and whatever you do it still lingers
i'm listening to my fave album again.. digable planets blowout comb
had a falling out with it last year, cos hecki listened to it too much
but now that we're moving from fort greene
and the sun shines yet again it seems appropriate

i think i reached some sort of limit today
cos i just broke down
i decided to take teddy to the airport so i could chat and feel better
mind you i'd gone to the office
and realized that i couldn't stop crying so i came back
i guess there's always something every month
you get too tired and then family mishmash creeps in and suddenly you worry even more
and can't help unloading all the stuff that's been bothering you
sigh i guess that was quite embarassing..
worse is i got back in at 5:31
hence long night here...
don't money and responsibility suck?
at least i have my nalp tomorrow
prob have to come in sunday
but tomorrow is all mine
hope everyone has a happy easter
i think two years ago i also cried at easter..
or maybe i have cried every easter here
since it's always a time shared with families
and i haven't spent it with my family since i came to the states
sigh enough self pitying
work will distract me then i get to go home..
home... sleep.. zzzzzz...
i'm currently in a weird state of mind

so who watched south park last nite?

taco taco
i like taco n burrito
iam JeHnifer LoHpez
ha ha wish i had a picture.. (heck yea ask and ye shall receive)
fat kid's hand is jlo and that's ben
taco taco taco taco
oh ben you almost make me forget about tacoooo...
 

ahh the things that make you smile

oh yeah what peer to peer do you peeps use?
ever since morpheus requires gator corp software.. i gots none
kazaa lite? i guess?
>> not a linux user
.........
so where does the will to live come from?
i really can only speculate
but it seems so base banal biological
i think the will to live exists because we are alive
life gives rise to the will

i say biological because even before the beginnings of
what we know as conscience, this will must already exists
plants, animals, all try their best to survive
what is it then survival instincts?
highly evolved in humans who can worry about greater things?

there are many questions with no answers in our short lifetimes
how does life exist?
you can come up with all the parts, but can you give it life?
we all know the big bang is more than anything else a once in few billion years chance
we living on the earth's crust is by some chance (appropriate conditions, billions of years of evolution)
why aren't there countless living organisms out there in the vast void of space/ our immediate galaxy/solar system
because chances are few and far between

so given the chance won't you take it all the way?
whichever way you deem is suitable/favorable for this particular iteration of life

it is the job of every generation to ponder these and hopefully down the line we will figure it all out and life will be enriched because of it
(or we'll be able think of other things )
............

Buddha's First Noble Truth: "All life is sorrowful."

............
from NYPost pagesix
'ALL MEN are children, and if you understand that, you understand everything," - Coco Chanel
............
heh someone replaced the bulbs we took out in our area
came it today and it was blindingly fluorescent bright. guess they didn't know it was purposely taken out.. or some investor thought we were to cheap to replace em.. no no us programmers just like dark quiet corners.. leave us be..
............
hee hee my sister just joined xanga  
(my brothers are too chickenshit/lazy )
after telling her time and time again how i've known more about random 14 yr olds than i do my own sister..

: sigh .. distance..

she's a sweetie (:

giant pig, let the pork battle begin
Go see the other pig
(originally from the sun but the article's gone)
big guy can supposedly make 15000 bangers thats sausages fer ye yanks

pig too nasty to show in its entirety too long

..............................

i lost my purple marker
where it went i can only imagine
:
i hate losing things
and out of all my fluid constantly flowing purple one :/

..............................

some say the force that drives us all is simply
the will to live
it is with the intention of living life
that we form our decisions
and the roads it takes us, the people we meet
influence and shape who we are,
just as it does to others who encounter us

life

my one chance at being me

saw a docu. on cleavage and found that the boob changing barbie doll did exist..
"Growing up Skipper" released in 74 discontinued in 75 due to complaints
by rotating an arm she grows boobs
turn the other way and it shrinks
i have to apologize to my cousin for thinking she was lying..
i remember looking for it in stores, being the inquisitvie little tyke i was

remember the harry potter vibrating broomstick?
that didn't last long either

.......................................

from the Daily Californian:

Pop quiz: Of the following illegal activities, which renders a student ineligible for federal financial aid: a) arson; b) rape; c) murder; or d) possession of marijuana. The answer is possession of marijuana.

Problems with the drug amendment are numerous, and all are closely linked to the harms of the futile War on Drugs. Fundamentally flawed, the amendment singles out non-violent drug offenders, the least threatening of law breakers, while permitting violent criminals to be full eligibility for educational financial aid. These students have already paid the price demanded by the justice system for their mistake, making the educational sanctions misguided double-punishments.

yes what a frikken flawed system. you can murder someone and still get aid, but if you've smoked well that's too bad.. tell me if it makes sense? no right. that's cos there's a hidden agenda to this drug war.

.......................................

from NYTimes:

The looting appeared to have its heaviest impact on a security guard at the museum, Abdul Rahman, 57, who said he had tried to stop the first band of looters breaking through to steel gates at the rear of the compound on Thursday morning. He said he gave up when the looters started firing in the air with pistols and rifles. "They were shouting, `There's no government, there's no state, and we will do what we like. We will take anything we want.' They said `Open up, open up, there's no more Saddam so we can do what we like.' "

Sigh, anarchy and senseless destruction. 'Liberate' poor uneducated/opportunistic oppressed people with nothing to lose and no plan as to what after other than how to bomb with efficiency, what did the US government expect. We're left with a country destroying it's own wealth, history and traditions.

Going where the water takes us .. (on a weed boat )
.
teds going to a school w john's in it and he used to go to one w johns in it..
.
it's 11.24 and i just got home..
hmm. nother 3 hrs tomorrow, then i get my weekend..
teddy's already asleep, not feeling too well
and of course i'm worried about SARS, esp since he's exposed to hundreds of germ ridden kids all day
sigh and he has no time to see the nurse yet.. my poor baby
hope he feels better soon...
.
on another note, yes it sucks, we only see each other at night
and since i get back between 9/10/11 he's usually already asleep or getting ready to go to bed..
workin hard both of us.. well we're young so i guess it is the time to work hard..
it sucks tho cos we spend weekends catching up on sleep..
arrr.. makes me feel old..
.
eh heh sad huh, friday night staring at my comp (as if i don't get enough of it during the day..)
oh wells, c'est la vie
i'm thankful to be alive, healthy, doing what i want, being with the one i love
imma smoke and do some productive work (at least try my best

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<>/..  )<>      *~
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     **7***7     -JA
############## mbeee